I have a little secret that after this post it won’t be a secret any more.
I have a fear of being a failure. A loser.
I think it stems from being overwhelmed and at more times than not unorganized. I have this feeling that I’m racing against this big stopwatch that is my “life” and soon the timer is going to go off and I’m not going to be finished.
I have had my share of loser/failure moments.
- In elementary school I was the slowest person in PE. I remember always being last in all of the fitness tests.
- In high school I tried out for the cheerleader squad and I didn’t make it- cut in the first round .
- My senior year of high school I was in a relationship with a guy that could have been part of ISIS- I was terrorized for 3 years and nobody knew.
- See #3 I dropped out of college.
- Worked weird odd jobs- like delivering delinquent reports of people who were behind on their property taxes to a company that was headquartered on a nudist colony up in the mountains.
- Finally got a “good” job at IBM and one day I just quit- no notice-
- Started a chocolate brownie business with a friend, everything was going good and then due to a host of complications we closed the business.
- Started interior design school, took a bajillion classes, but never finished the program.
- Started a home decor business and after a couple of years it fizzled.
Fast forward to my photography business. I’ve spent thousands and thousands of dollars on all kinds of equipment, classes, marketing etc.. So yes I’m scared- sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I question myself. “what the hell are you doing?” The good thing is I think about this quote-at those times.
I have to believe that it is true. And yes in between all the shortcomings, there have been lots of highs as well- like I did go back to school and I finished my degree.
I successfully mothered two children and have been a wife for almost 27 years.
I’m the person I am today that is a combination of all those experiences. I am resilient and if I do give up, I quickly reinvent myself and keep it moving!
What are you afraid of? What wakes you in the middle of the night? How do you deal with your fears?